We just had reunion lunch. it wasn't as happy as past years. every one was quiet, no lame jokes from dad, no silly moves from mom. maybe occasionally striking up something but the awkwardness was too much to bear. got me thinking back

its time i do some reflection. I've changed a lot, ever since .. i don't know when. i used to reach home by 11 or 12, always inform my parents of my whereabouts. they never had to worry much about me. I'm like the most obedient baby in their heart. HAHHAHAHAHA :D

but now, I don't lunch or dinner with them. I only had dinner like three times a month with my family. dinner is always the time to foster relations, as we talk and laugh our hearts out. now it has become so bad that mom doesn't even want to make dinner cause no one's home for dinner. I'm always reaching home at like 5am? sometimes they don't even know why am I home late and I didn't bothered telling them. sunday's supposed to be family day, but I happily sleep through. im worse than a pit.

Its me. I've been too selfish, only cared about myself.
I haven't been thinking for them. okay, my heart's sinking.

with each passing year, mom and dad are slowly aging, wrinkles appear, creases form and sleeping hours lengthen. sometimes at night, the thought of death scares me. people say not to talk about it, that its sensitive, but I'd rather talk about it - to feel the fear pounding itself against my emotions, to register the fact that I should make the use of all these borrowed time ive got and the love im being given. everyone takes things for granted, we got to lose them before the actual pain sinks in.

i wouldn't want to wait till the day when i'll lose them for good, when they are gone in better hands then I start to learn and pick myself up. thank you mom and dad, you both have been unconditional and lovely in many ways, and that I'll always love and hold you both so close. I'll be good I promise. I'll fulfill my duties and responsibilities to the best I even can. I know you all have been supportive in everything I do - whether you liked it or not. ((:

what was that something? that something was what I've always held close, i'd never disregard and never let go. I would build this bridge of connection with every ounce of my unbeaten effort to work something out of it.